Exploring Dawn

The more I travel down this exploration, the more I remember from my early childhood. I’ve always had these feelings. As a child, I think I embraced them. I wasn’t X or Y (unintentional but apropos pun), I could be whoever I wanted to be.

When I got older, I felt pressured to conform to norms and I pushed my true self beneath the surface. I could see it, I could feel it but I couldn’t share it. I never saw my true self in popular culture (e.g. in movies, books and television).

I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. When I got even older, I saw how others sought to represent my inner self. It was fetishized, ostracized, othered, and attacked. I was too afraid to express myself. I even bought into some of this stereotype, making myself happy for a moment and then being disgusted the next, since it was wrong.

But, it wasn’t wrong.

Now, emboldened, I’m taking steps. Some small, some a little larger. Even though there is such despair right now for trans people, with such hatred and vitriol thrown at them for no reason than to find a target to focus hatred and empower fascists, there is hope. They have erased us from websites, removed us from care, are even now considering removing suicide prevention care (so much for all that pro-life rhetoric), and they are aiming their supporters at us for mental and physical harm. We have survived for milenia (yes, check it out), and we will still be here when their ideas are consigned to the landfill of hate.

Exploring means taking steps. I’ve known for a long time who I am but am only expressing it more openly and more widely recently. It’s amazing how a little thing can cause such joy, or gender euphoria. These little things are so important to me now, and so special.

One thing I love is my new trans pride flag earrings. Wearing it just lights up my day. I’ve worn an earring for years, and it was just like putting on a watch. I did it in the morning, took it off at night. With this earring, though, I just get a skip in my heart and a warm feeling in my body. It’s affirming who I am and what is important to me.

I even had someone I just met say, “I like your earring”. The way she said it and looked at me, I’m almost 100% certain she understood its meaning and she supported me. That didn’t scare me, it affirmed me and made me feel just a tad more special.

Another thing I started doing was changing the lock screen on my phone. I’m not usually one for busy screens, preferring simple shapes or a low-res image. But, I was playing around and found out about using emojis and was able to blend a pink heart, the trans pride flag and an emoji of a woman raising her hand. To me, this is “I’m here, I’m trans, I’m happy and I’m proud.”