The more I travel down this exploration, the more I remember from my early childhood. I’ve always had these feelings. As a child, I think I embraced them. I wasn’t X or Y (unintentional but apropos pun), I could be whoever I wanted to be.

When I got older, I felt pressured to conform to norms and I pushed my true self beneath the surface. I could see it, I could feel it but I couldn’t share it. I never saw my true self in popular culture (e.g. in movies, books and television).

I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. When I got even older, I saw how others sought to represent my inner self. It was fetishized, ostracized, othered, and attacked. I was too afraid to express myself. I even bought into some of this stereotype, making myself happy for a moment and then being disgusted the next, since it was wrong.

But, it wasn’t wrong.

Now, emboldened, I’m taking steps. Some small, some a little larger. Even though there is such despair right now for trans people, with such hatred and vitriol thrown at them for no reason than to find a target to focus hatred and empower fascists, there is hope. They have erased us from websites, removed us from care, are even now considering removing suicide prevention care (so much for all that pro-life rhetoric), and they are aiming their supporters at us for mental and physical harm. We have survived for milenia (yes, check it out), and we will still be here when their ideas are consigned to the landfill of hate.