Exploring Dawn

This is my second time celebrating, or perhaps, observing Trans Day of Visibility since I came out. Last year, only one other person knew besides me. This year, I am surrounded by such amazing friends who’ve accepted me for who I am.

In most cases, this wasn’t a big deal as I’m still who I always was. Some have gone out of their way to make it even more special. And there’s definitely some amazing people in medicine and in restaurants, who just treat me like a person (ref: my recent doctor and now dentist visits).

Today, I wore shorts for the welcome spring warmth, cute shoes, and my “Kindness is Free” shirt. I had my trans pride flag heart-shaped studs on as well as a dash of my favorite perfume (Lake & Skye 11 11 Vanilla). I felt on top of the world.

But, as much as I want to celebrate, I know how privileged it is for me to be able to be open. I’m in a trans friendly state, in a good neighborhood, and I can work from home so I’m not constantly on guard out in public. But I’ll never blend in or be confused for a cis woman. And I don’t want to. I am trans and that means so many things to me, as well as meaning so many possibly different things to my sisters, brothers, and family. I keep exploring it through writing, journaling, and exploring the boundaries out there.

I think those who are able to should stand up, and stand out, so that we are more seen. That we define ourselves, rather than be defined by those who use us to further their political careers. Or worse, those who hate us because their twisted cults tell them that their sons, daughters, spouses, friends or neighbors are evil because they can’t understand them or they threaten their power and control over their members.

Some can’t be safe if they’re visible, today or any day in many parts of the United States (and world, since along with our movies and tech, we’ve exported our hate). Some choose not to be visible for a myriad of reasons. As I can be visible and I want to be visible, I choose to be visible. To show, hopefully, that I’m just a person like they are, trying to get by, understand this world we live in, and find love and friendship. If one person opens their mind, that’s a win. And if no one does, so be it.

But, this isn’t enough. Standing up for an hour, a day, or a year, isn’t enough. Engage with your elected officials. Call or write them. Let them know they represent us too. Help out trans communities and friends: buy their books & zines. Support them staying alive and let them thrive, not barely survive. There are many ways and each of us has different ways of helping: cash, connections, knowledge, power. If you can help, you should help.

We have always been here and we always will be. 🩷 🏳️‍⚧️

For all their screaming & terror/genocide campaign against trans people, it didn’t keep me in the closet or keep me quiet. It actually encouraged me to come out and be more vocal. To share myself, not hide myself. Epic mistake. We will not be silenced. We have always been here & will always be here!

🩷🏳️‍⚧️

It’s amazing how putting something away can be like opening up something new. 🩷

I packed away the last two pairs of my boy shoes. They were a constant reminder to the facade I’d been living behind all these years. It was so empowering to put them in a big box, close it up and put it away until I can donate or dispose of them. (One pair is not in bad shape, the other probably needs to be trashed).

I’ve bought several pairs of new shoes. There are cute ones, ones for summer, ones for winter, ones for lounging and ones for fine events. 🥰

It’s taken me a while but it has been worth it. A simple joy for the day.

It’s the little things that can really help on a day to day basis. Little indulgences like a spritz of perfume to brighten my nose. Or some nice rings on my hand to catch the light. Or putting my belt on in the opposite direction. There’s nothing powerful or life-changing in these little actions, but they mean so much to me personally. Just a little extra warmth, a little extra self-love, a little boost. It can also be so simply as accepting a compliment from someone instead of dismissing it. Or saying hello or even just waving to a stranger you cross paths with during your daily routine. Interact with your environment, get out of your head.

I think this applies to everyone. We all need these tiny indulgences for ourselves. We often deny ourselves the small things, for whatever reasons. But in this fast-paced world, especially in these current dangerous times, a moment of joy here and there can be a small, but strong light against the darkness.

It was such a simple thing to say in such a short amount of time. But it made my whole day.

I was at the checkout at a Trader Joe’s, and the person ringing up my purchases said she loved the color of my purse. She said she loved how it looked with my jacket too. We chatted a bit while I bagged my items. She asked whether it rolled off my shoulder and we laughed about that. I told her I had a longer strap but when I carried my purse crossbody, it always gave me a pain in my neck, and she agreed. And then we said goodbye and wished each other a great day.

She didn’t need to say anything, but she did. And I felt more affirmed in public than I have in ages. It was just a simple interaction between two people. It’s what makes us human: interacting with each other. It was a bright, sunny, heartwarming moment for me.

Seat 31: Zooey Zephyr is an amazing short documentary by Kimberly Reed. It’s on State Rep. Zooey Zephyr from Montana, an open transgender woman who was sanctioned and kept off the floor of teh chamber SHE was elected to. The internet archive has more info from the original documentary site and the New Yorker has an article.

The documentary is only about 15 minutes long, well worth it to watch, cry, smile and hope.

I loved something I heard on a podcast this morning during my walk. It’s a great podcast (sadly it finished its run a few years ago) on trans writers, and the creator/interviewer themselves are trans. I’ve read so many of these folks that it’s wonderful to get to here their physical voices and listen to an interview. The podcast is called t4t, created by Hazel Jane Plante. By the way, Plante’s own works are amazing. Check out Little Blue Encyclopedia (for Vivian) and Any Other City. They’re worth it.

Anyway, back to the quote. The interviewee was Morgan M Page, a Canadian writer, artist, historian and activist. She was commenting on a conversation she had with trans youths in Toronto and how they knew who they were in the present but didn’t know that they had a history and could be artists, writers, etc. themselves since others had blazed a trail before them. She explained a lot of this history and their eyes widened.

Page said, “Once you reconnect someone to their lineage, they no longer feel like they are adrift and alone in an empty sea. And it just has such a powerful impact on people’s lives and what they think their lives could be.”

This. This is how I felt when I started reading trans writers and watching films written and directed by trans people. I saw this whole community unfurl before my eyes. I knew I wasn’t alone before I read/viewed these works, but still, to see it physically before me, I was blown away. It was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, the warmth of a home after coming in from the snow, the embrace of a true love after a hard day.

This is also why I get so angry and fight so hard to keep books in libraries and in front of kids and adults. As I’ve said in my “About” page, never underestimate the power of seeing yourself positively portrayed in popular culture.

I got this delivered yesterday. It’s a pride pendant on a really delicate and beautiful chain. The pendant is a love knot of the three colors of the trans pride flag 🏳️‍⚧️, pink, white and light blue.

I simply adore it. It made me tear up a little when I put it on. No matter how hard they fight against us, I can still hold my head up and say I am who I am and I’m proud of who I am. It’s little gestures like this that help me keep moving forward.