Exploring Dawn

There’s a fascinating book coming out by Daniel Brook, called The Einstein of Sex: Dr. Magnus Hirschfeld, Visionary of Weimar Berlin.

Wow, so, over 100 years ago, people were already talking about race and gender as social constructs. This wasn’t something invented a few years ago by people that Republicans and related fascists hate. And gender fluidity goes back millennia, back to the beginning of recorded history and literature.

One thing that blew my mind in this review from LitHub, is that the infamous Nazi book burning pictures we have are of Nazis burning his books from his Institute for Sexual Science, a think tank and surgical center in the 1910s and 1920s. Hitler and his Nazis burned and tried to erase his research, but it has lived on. Trump, Republicans and Christian Fascists are trying to do this today, and they will fail also.

We’re here, we’re queer, and we are strong.

You can read the article on LitHub.

Finished reading: Girl Work by Zefyr Lisowski 📚

A really good collection of poetry. I love poetry, and esp. trans poetry. I’ve feel a visceral connection with the artists and their words. I sometimes find words or emotions to explain or flesh out my own experiences.

When I finished reading, I thought abuot how to rate it. It’s weird that this book made me rethink how I like to rate items. I usually use a ranked system, 1-5, with 5 being the best. But, it doesn’t seem fair to rate poetry on a scale like that. It either grabs you or it doesn’t. And if it grabs you, I think it changes you, on some level.

That is why I always return to poetry, I think. There’s something about it that lets you think more deeply. There’s a thread, there’s scaffolding or superstructure, but you bring more of yourself to a poem since you need to provide the details. So, for poetry, I think I need to confined myself to “moved” or “unmoved”. This collection is a moved, without a doubt.

P.S. Ok, I’d give it a 5/5 if I had to but that’s just me wanting to make sure people know this is a great work, and if the poet ever ran across it, she would know that she made a difference to me. Thank you.

I’ve been doing both a bunch lately and I keep blurring the lines between something that could be inner-inner monologue vs inner-outer monologue. I think a blog like this needs to have more content that probes deeper than surface level, both for me developing as Dawn as well as others who (hopefully) stumble across my scribbles. For me, I get to explore and experience myself. For others, they get to see me for who I am as well as maybe see a bit of themselves.

That was the hardest part growing up, not being able to see other people like me, except maybe in a film or a book where they were portrayed as a monster, a scapegoat, or just a splash of non-cishet life that could be exploited for a laugh or a jump-scare.

I hope I’ll have more content soon that will explore these feelings. I’m figuring it out myself too as I go. I hope you enjoy the journal too.

The last few years, I’ve been on a kick of Canadian authors. I didn’t just wake up and say, hey, let’s read some Canadians, even though there’s no reason you shouldn’t. But, I noticed after a while, some of my favorite reads since 2020 were by these amazing Canadians listed below. Many of them may have other books and my list is just to give you one per author. If you find you like them, check out other books they may have written.

(The ordering is simply alphabetical.)

• Lisa Alward: Cocktail (2023): Alward nails each short story, never overdoing or undercooking her stories.

• Mona Awad: Bunny (2019): Oh my god, this is so beautifully twisted! I loved it and thought it was kind of like “The Craft” meets “The Secret History” meets “Heathers.”

• Gwen Benaway: Day/Break (2020): a short, beautiful collection of poetry.

• Hazel Jane Plante: Little Blue Encyclopedia (for Vivian) (2019): A powerful story told in an unusual and unique way.

• Casey Plett: A Dream of a Woman (2021): You can never go wrong with anything Casey writes, but I truly loved this collection.

• John Elizabeth Stintz: Vanishing Monuments (2020): a beautiful & sad look at aging, dementia, and becoming and unbecoming.

• Natalie Zina Walschots: Hench (2020): another fun romp, reminscient of the Boys without all the horrendous violence.

• Deborah Willis: Girlfriend on Mars (2023): This sounded like it might be too cool for school when I picked it up, but I really loved it.

• Jia Qing Wilson-Yang: Small Beauty (2016): A story that slowly builds while weaving something beautiful. A quick read that will leave a long impact on your heart and mind.

I finally was able to finish watching the most recent movie (of five) from Alice Maio Mackay that’s streaming on Shudder (and AMC+). It’s another amazing flick. If you haven’t seen this film, or any of her films, stop reading and start streaming. It’s horror, it’s art, it’s trans, it’s queer, it’s love, it’s representation.

Alice and co-writer Ben Pahl Robinson really know how to write dialogue and group scenes. I just love these in all her films. The dialogue is not stilted, preachy or expository. It feels real, almost like you’re a part of the group or sitting at the table next to them. Also, they write (and the actors emote) beautiful relationships. These aren’t two (or more) actors who play a couple or close friends. It seems like they found a couple and cast them in their film.

Speaking of the actors, I love that she has a core that she uses in all her films. It’s great seeing them come back, in similar or opposite roles. And then there’s always a new face or two that she brings in that just rock. Where does she find them?!? Just great acting by everyone.

And last, like everyone else, I have to mention the colors. The lighting and the clothes just stand out and grab you. Lola’s makeup when she’s standing down the two rednecks in the street near the end is awesome! I had to stop it and just look at a few frames. Attention to detail that works in a still as well as motion.

All of her films have touched me deeply. I see myself in these films. The words speak to my heart and mind. I wish these had been out when I was younger but they mean the world to me now.

I listened to a fantastic, if also terrifying, podcast from Imara Jones’s TransLast program. It was on The Rise of Techno-Fascism. She interviewed the journalist Gil Duran. He walked us through the extremism of Curtis Yarvin and his devoted followers/funders/enablers that include Peter Thiel, Musk, and JD Vance.

Definitely worth a listen. You can find it here.

Watched Bad Girl Boogey last night. It’s Alice Maio Mackay’s sophomore major release. The acting was amazing, the film was beautifully shot, the themes were both joyous and heart-rendering. She really knows how to write and direct a film.

And the cast has shown up again, bringing such depth. Lisa Fanto was fantastic. Her joy, her despair, her just being on the screen was something I’d expect from a much older, more experienced actor. She just nailed it. Iris Mcerlean, who played Dario, was superb. They had superb chemistry with Fanto and demonstrated that they belonged in this film.

This flick is even better than Mackey’s first major film, So Vam. That was a fun movie but the depth she added in so little time between releases is just mind-blowing. She was 18 when Bad Girl Boogey came out. WTF! She has three films after this one, I’ve seen two of them and they just keep getting better.

Films you should watch of hers, listed in order they came out.

• So Vam (fun)
• Bad Girl Boogey (emotional and excellent)
• T Blockers (my fav, I feel it was made for me)
• Satranic Panic (my second fav, just amazing)
• Carnage for Christmas (in my queue)

After my last post, it seems too appropriate that sleepwear like this exists. “You are allowed to change”. Could there be anything more pretty on the inside and outside? 🥰

The more I travel down this exploration, the more I remember from my early childhood. I’ve always had these feelings. As a child, I think I embraced them. I wasn’t X or Y (unintentional but apropos pun), I could be whoever I wanted to be.

When I got older, I felt pressured to conform to norms and I pushed my true self beneath the surface. I could see it, I could feel it but I couldn’t share it. I never saw my true self in popular culture (e.g. in movies, books and television).

I began to wonder if there was something wrong with me. When I got even older, I saw how others sought to represent my inner self. It was fetishized, ostracized, othered, and attacked. I was too afraid to express myself. I even bought into some of this stereotype, making myself happy for a moment and then being disgusted the next, since it was wrong.

But, it wasn’t wrong.

Now, emboldened, I’m taking steps. Some small, some a little larger. Even though there is such despair right now for trans people, with such hatred and vitriol thrown at them for no reason than to find a target to focus hatred and empower fascists, there is hope. They have erased us from websites, removed us from care, are even now considering removing suicide prevention care (so much for all that pro-life rhetoric), and they are aiming their supporters at us for mental and physical harm. We have survived for milenia (yes, check it out), and we will still be here when their ideas are consigned to the landfill of hate.

Exploring means taking steps. I’ve known for a long time who I am but am only expressing it more openly and more widely recently. It’s amazing how a little thing can cause such joy, or gender euphoria. These little things are so important to me now, and so special.

One thing I love is my new trans pride flag earrings. Wearing it just lights up my day. I’ve worn an earring for years, and it was just like putting on a watch. I did it in the morning, took it off at night. With this earring, though, I just get a skip in my heart and a warm feeling in my body. It’s affirming who I am and what is important to me.

I even had someone I just met say, “I like your earring”. The way she said it and looked at me, I’m almost 100% certain she understood its meaning and she supported me. That didn’t scare me, it affirmed me and made me feel just a tad more special.

Another thing I started doing was changing the lock screen on my phone. I’m not usually one for busy screens, preferring simple shapes or a low-res image. But, I was playing around and found out about using emojis and was able to blend a pink heart, the trans pride flag and an emoji of a woman raising her hand. To me, this is “I’m here, I’m trans, I’m happy and I’m proud.”